Addison & Jess ::: en route

1. Nostalgic. You might have noticed that South Carolina has been consuming the news of late. With the Republican presidential primary tomorrow, every article or story on the radio is from Columbia or Charleston. And each time I hear one, my mind drifts back to all that I loved about my home state. Summer afternoons on the lake with friends. Laughing with my sister until I cried while playing games at my mother’s kitchen table. Walking through the gardens where Addison and I were married with a glass of red wine in my hand. All the good of South Carolina floods my mind, and it makes me miss home. Of course, logically, I know I’m just feeling nostalgic. I know that, right now, South Carolina is not where I’m supposed to be. I’m not sure it ever will be again. But when I look back, I remember all the good it brought to my years — from falling in love with Addison when I was just 17 years old to driving down the interstate surrounded by sun and green trees. And I forget, just for a moment, all the bad things it brought — from a complete stranger yelling at me “You’ll never be a man” to being denied every protection and right I need to take care of my wife. Maybe it’s better to forget the bad and just remember the good. The good of youth, of family, of friends, of sunshine, of lakes and beaches and rivers, of Rita’s Italian Ice and Mr. Friendly’s tater tots. 

2. Energized. The legislative session has started up here in Colorado, and I am once again engaged in a fight that I care very deeply about. For the second year in a row, my colleagues and I at One Colorado are working to advance civil unions legislation. We’re facing an uphill battle, with a Capitol that’s overwhelmed by a negative, partisan vibe, but I am energized by the process. We’re strategizing how to earn Republican support, mobilizing thousands of supporters, and telling our stories to change hearts and minds. It’s invigorating. And if our legislators listen to the 76% of Coloradans who support civil unions and pass the bill, Addison and I will rejoice, for we will have just made Colorado a better, safer place for the family we’re hoping to start.

3. Anxious. As many of you know, Addison and I are going to have to move again in May. Our landlord is selling the apartment that we love and adore. Selling it and forcing us to search, once again, for a place to live in May. I’ve known about our impending move for several months now, and it’s causing me tremendous anxiety. I wish someone had just told me in April that we had to move. That would be better. I would have panicked and worried, but it would have lasted for only a short time. As is, by the time we actually move, I will have worried about moving for seven months. I will have struggled to decide on what area of town to look in for seven months. I will have searched Craigslist for seven months. I could go on…

4. Baby Crazy & Greedy. My biological clock is tick, tick, ticking away, telling me to have a baby now, now, now. I can’t seem to stop it. Even being around crying children doesn’t help. Nope, no matter how good or bad the young one is, they make my ovaries do a little cartwheel. It doesn’t matter that I’m not ready for a baby — not emotionally, financially, or mentally — biology demands a bun in the oven. But I cannot fulfill biology’s needs. Addison has set up some strict parameters for when we can bring forth Little Woodrum, and one of her rules centers on money. We must have a pre-determined (by her, of course) amount of money in the bank before we can even create a plan for Little Woodrum. And so I’m greedy. Very greedy. Want to send me money? I’ll take it; I have no pride. Biology is gathering up every last penny and placing it in a savings account for Little Woodrum. I’ve never been quite so greedy before in my life. But maybe you’ll forgive me for this sin if I just blame it on biology?

-Jess

Something strange is happening to me. I don’t understand it, but it seems that I turned 28 and immediately became baby crazy.

It must be biology.

Prior to my “almost 30” birthday a few months ago, I knew that having children would be a part of my future, but I didn’t feel any urgency or some need to get going. I was sensible, practical, and in control of my emotions. I didn’t have a plan to bring little ones into my world, and that was fine. No problem. The time would come.

But biology must kick in at 28. I am officially obsessed with babies. It’s a strange reality for a butch lesbian like me.

These days, I spend far too much time thinking about babies. I get up on a beautiful spring morning and wish I had a baby to take to the zoo. I see parents with strollers in the park, and I wish I too was pushing an over-priced baby carrier. I snuggle with my puppy and treat her like a child, and she responds with her “Why are you holding me so tight?” face.

I’m driving Addison out of her mind with all my talk of babies. But the thing is, I can’t help it. Biology has control over me. It makes me want babies…oh and doughnuts, too (where are all the doughnuts in Denver?).

Logically, I know that now is not the right time for babies. Not even close. Addison and I just moved to Denver and started new jobs in (somewhat) new fields where we need to prove ourselves.

We live in a one-bedroom apartment that we can barely afford and that will not fit a baby unless putting a bassinet under the bathroom sink is allowed (and I’m not a parent yet, but I’m thinking that’s probably a bad idea).

We still enjoy going out with our friends every weekend to dinner or to a game or a play and not getting home until midnight. We love playing cards until the wee hours of the morning.

When I think about it, it’s really apparent that our life isn’t ready for babies. Despite all the “my aged” people on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, our life isn’t there yet. We’re not settled yet. We’re not fit to be parents yet. I know that some day we will be. I know that the day will come when we feel really ready, when the sacrifices one makes to have children pale in comparison to the excitement of pushing that stroller in the zoo. I know that day will come. 

And yet, biology doesn’t care about our life or our timeline. Biology doesn’t care about the size of our apartment or the money in our bank account or our love for dinners out with friends. Biology wants, needs, and demands children.

Perhaps I can feed it with a doughnut instead.

I think that anyone in my position would have baby fever.  I am surrounded by pregnant people and people with infants.  Over Thanksgiving I found out that both of my step-sisters are pregnant.  Add those babies to Jacob, and Jess and I will be aunts 3 times in 2010.  Also, my cousin John and his wife Kathryn had their baby boy yesterday.  They named him Corbin.  I’ve seen a few pictures, and he’s such a cutie!  I can’t wait to see him at Christmas!

Just in case you’re starting to wonder, I assure you Jess and I don’t have anything up our sleeves.  We know that we cannot afford a baby and we are in no rush to have them.  However, we do know that we want to have them and that we want our children to have relationships with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.

I almost wish we were ready so our kids would be able to have the same kinds of relationships that I had with my cousins when I was growing up.  I had 4 first cousins on my mom’s side and 10 on my dad’s side.  Needless to say, I’ve never had a dull holiday!  It was awesome to have so many cousins, especially the ones who were close to me in age.  I never realized how lucky I was until talking to Jess about it.  Most of her cousins lived in New York or Ohio, not to mention she was the youngest, so no one really wanted to hang out with her.  I have some really amazing childhood memories, and I hope that one day we will get to provide some wonderful memories for our children.

In the meantime I’ll have to settle for being the best aunt ever!  It’s not so much a consolation prize as it is an incredible opportunity.  I feel so lucky to already have 5 nieces and nephews in my life, and I’m really looking forward to that number increasing to 8.  I guess I’ll end up with a big family after all.  : )

-Addison