Addison & Jess ::: en route

1.) Our new Honda Civic!  After 16 months of living in Denver with only one car, Jess and I finally decided to bite the bullet and go for a second vehicle.  Jess’ mom hooked us up with a small loan at a great rate and we were able to get a great deal on a gently used 2002 Civic with less than 100,000 miles.  It only has 2 doors, but it’s super clean, and super cute!  Besides, we have the Subaru when we want to haul around lots of people, or stuff.  And it gets 10 MPG better than the Suby in city and on the highway, so I’m looking forward to getting tags on it, and getting my commute on!  

2.) Facebook.  This might sound like an odd one, but I really like being able to keep up with everyone back home, especially my family.  Jess and I are fortunate enough to talk with our immediate family pretty regularly, but FB has helped me stay on top of my extended family and friends.  (Congrats on the engagement, Blayde!)  I feel like I know some people better now that I can see what they do on a regular basis, and that’s pretty cool.  Plus it will give us something to talk about the next time I’m in town.  

3.) Friends.  When we moved to Colorado we knew it would be tough not having our wonderful friends around, and there are still some people in Columbia we miss dearly.  But in Denver we have managed to befriend some really wonderful people who have very different backgrounds from me and Jess.  Knowing these people has helped me think about things in a very new way, which has been wonderful for my personal growth.  Thank you, Denver friends!  You’re the best a girl could ask for!  : )

4.) Brunch!  Brunch has quickly and easily become my favorite meal here in Denver.  I didn’t really used to get down with this hybrid meal, and frankly I don’t really love breakfast, but brunch has become a staple of our weekend ritual.  On Sunday mornings, we call it “gay church,” because it’s usually our LGBT peeps that accompany us on this outing.  There’s one restaurant in particular that always seems to have friends there on Sunday mornings.  But there are so many good places to eat brunch here!  It almost seems that brunch is a bigger happening than a Friday or Saturday night dinner.  Actually, we’re trying a new brunch place with our friends, Shanna and LP, today!  

5.) My girls.  Jess and Izzie are the highlights of my day, everyday.  Jess is so smart, passionate, and damn good at her job.  She cares so much and works so hard.  And it’s important work.  Really, really important work.  She’s working so the future she and I imagine with such precise detail can become a reality.  She’s fighting for our relationship, our life, every day, and I’m so incredibly grateful for that.  And she loves me fiercely.  I know that she does, and for that I am even more grateful.  Izzie, too!  She gets so excited when we come home from work, and it’s nice to know that there are too “people” who love me no matter what.  I love my little family!  

Something strange is happening to me. I don’t understand it, but it seems that I turned 28 and immediately became baby crazy.

It must be biology.

Prior to my “almost 30” birthday a few months ago, I knew that having children would be a part of my future, but I didn’t feel any urgency or some need to get going. I was sensible, practical, and in control of my emotions. I didn’t have a plan to bring little ones into my world, and that was fine. No problem. The time would come.

But biology must kick in at 28. I am officially obsessed with babies. It’s a strange reality for a butch lesbian like me.

These days, I spend far too much time thinking about babies. I get up on a beautiful spring morning and wish I had a baby to take to the zoo. I see parents with strollers in the park, and I wish I too was pushing an over-priced baby carrier. I snuggle with my puppy and treat her like a child, and she responds with her “Why are you holding me so tight?” face.

I’m driving Addison out of her mind with all my talk of babies. But the thing is, I can’t help it. Biology has control over me. It makes me want babies…oh and doughnuts, too (where are all the doughnuts in Denver?).

Logically, I know that now is not the right time for babies. Not even close. Addison and I just moved to Denver and started new jobs in (somewhat) new fields where we need to prove ourselves.

We live in a one-bedroom apartment that we can barely afford and that will not fit a baby unless putting a bassinet under the bathroom sink is allowed (and I’m not a parent yet, but I’m thinking that’s probably a bad idea).

We still enjoy going out with our friends every weekend to dinner or to a game or a play and not getting home until midnight. We love playing cards until the wee hours of the morning.

When I think about it, it’s really apparent that our life isn’t ready for babies. Despite all the “my aged” people on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, our life isn’t there yet. We’re not settled yet. We’re not fit to be parents yet. I know that some day we will be. I know that the day will come when we feel really ready, when the sacrifices one makes to have children pale in comparison to the excitement of pushing that stroller in the zoo. I know that day will come. 

And yet, biology doesn’t care about our life or our timeline. Biology doesn’t care about the size of our apartment or the money in our bank account or our love for dinners out with friends. Biology wants, needs, and demands children.

Perhaps I can feed it with a doughnut instead.